Directed by: William Friedkin
Run time: 92 minutes
The Lowdown: William Friedkin directed what many people consider the scariest movie ever made,
“The Exorcist,” which still stands as the best demonic possession movie ever made.
But at heart, he’s really just a pulpy B-movie auteur, as evidenced by this 1990 oddity, recently
unearthed by Scream Factory.
The Guardian is silly, ridiculous and fun. It’s “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle,” only the evil nanny
in this case is literally a baby-stealing tree beast.
Yep, that’s right, Jenny Seagrove, the evil nanny, is a freaking tree person who feeds live infants to
a towering tree as part of some bizarre pagan ritual.
This is the kind of movie that used to garner a wide release in nationwide theaters. A movie that
features a people-eating tree god that devours limbs and absorbs the souls of babies so that their
cherubic faces become etched in its bark.
What the hell?!?
Does it make any sense? Not a lick. Is it a good movie? Oh hell no. But if you aren’t shouting at the
screen by the lurid, over the top ending, as blood spews from axe-hacked tree roots, then you
really don’t like movies. Not one bit.
Give it a look.
The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Yes.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Minimal.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – It’s a tree!
Buy/Rent – Rent it.
Straight Outta Compton (Universal, 167 minutes, Unrated, Blu-Ray): Criminally overlooked by the
Academy Awards, the story of gangster rap’s emergence in southern California, which was
spearheaded by the great N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton is an amazing, electrifying film directed
by F. Gary Gray. This isn’t your ordinary music biopic. It’s not a glorified episode of VH1’s Behind
the Music. Straight Outta Compton crackles with vibrant energy. It’s a timely and socially relevant
look at race relations, the trappings of fame and the bonds of friendship. Watch this movie. Now! It’s just damn good.
Everest (Universal, 121 minutes, PG-13, 3D Blu-Ray): Everest isn’t a movie you enjoy. It’s more
of an experience. Brutal and unforgiving as the mountain in its title, the film is a chilling reminder
of man’s limitations in the face of nature’s awe and wrath. More than anything, the top-notch,
exhilarating cinematography will make you feel as if you literally are climbing to the summit
yourself, providing what I can only imagine will be the closest most people will ever personally
get to the stunning reality of what it’s like to try and tackle Mount Everest.
The Ice Pirates (Warner Bros., 94 minutes, PG, Blu-Ray): Sometimes a movie you remember fondly
from childhood should remain just that – a fond memory, never to be revisited. I can only surmise
that nostalgia alone summoned enough fan votes to convince Warner Bros.’s Warner Archive
Collection to release The Ice Pirates for the first time on Blu-Ray. This 1984 space comedy,
cobbled from the best ideas of “Star Wars,” "Star Trek” and other science-fiction greats, is blessed
with an outstanding cast: Robert Urich, Anjelica Huston, even Ron Perlman. What these three
actors saw in the script that convinced them to star likely never translated to the screen because
The Ice Pirates is a feeble, ham-fisted space opera with no soul and zero laughs. What I found
hysterical at age 14 just no longer holds true, apparently. Having recently watched “Flash Gordon”
on cable, I was reminded of just how fun a bad movie with great intentions can be. “Flash Gordon”
is everything that these types of movies aspire to be – pulpy, campy, irreverent and just plain
enjoyable. I wish the same still held true about The Ice Pirates.
A Girl Like Her
I Am Thor
Swamp People: Season 6
Little House on the Prairie: Season Eight – Deluxe Remastered
The Condemned 2
The Diary of a Teenage Girl
Jem and the Holograms
12 Monkeys: Season One